Clint Barton's Reason 509 for not Annoying Loki
by fezwearingjellybananas
Summary: Something is wrong with the Avengers. Like, really wrong. All he wanted was a quiet evening with Kate Bishop and pizza, was that really too much to ask?


"Oh Clinty."

"Er, Nat?"

"Over here Clint."

"Nat, are you feeling all right?"

"Now I am," she said, draping her arms over his shoulders. "With you, right here. Alone."

"Alone. Yes. We are alone. So we should go and find the others, I heard they needed us downtown."

"The others can deal with it on their own." Her lips approached his when the door slammed open.

"Romanoff! Get your hands off him."

"Oh thank goodness. Phil, you have to save me. I don't know what's wrong with her. She's just, I think she's trying to kiss me."

"He's mine."

"Erm, Phil? Coulson? Old buddy, old pal, old matey."

Phil strode over towards Clint, but Natasha blocked his path.

"We're the partners. Look how long we've known each other."

"We've known each other longer."

Clint tried to slink away against the wall as the two of them argued. He reached the door and opened it, revealing Cap and Sam talking about something. As soon as they saw him they both stumbled forwards.

"Hi Clint," Steve giggled. Wait, hold the phone, Captain America was giggling like a school girl.

"Hello Captain Rogers."

"Oh silly, you can call me Steve."

"Steve. Yes Steve. Hello Steve."

"Listen, I was wondering, are you free tonight?"

"What for?"

"There's a nice restaurant a few blocks from here. Maybe after the meal, we could go dancing."

"What? No, you can't have Clint," Sam interrupted. "I was going to ask him. After all, birds can only mate with other birds, isn't that right my beautiful Hawk?"

"Er, I literally have no idea what's going on."

"Don't go out for dinner with Steve, come with me."

"Er, you know what, I hate to disappoint, but I'm actually busy tonight going to see, er, Kate."

"Who's Kate?" Was Rogers jealous?

"She's a friend. Just a friend. Tell you what, why don't you two go and get dinner without me?"

"Or the two of us could just go now," Cap said. If that was his attempt at talking seductively it was… actually pretty good. No. Time to run away.

"Maybe tomorrow Cap, er, Steve. I really need to find Kate. She has my dog. I'll see you later, yeah? And you as well Sam. Defiantly, see you both later. Once I've found my dog." Clint walked out the room, making sure he was out of sight before breaking into a run. Whatever this thing was, it was clearly time to ask the scientists.

Bruce was alone in the lab when Clint walked in.

"Hi Bruce. I have a problem."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, everyone keeps doing things. I think Natasha and Phil are fighting over me and Steve and Sam both just asked me out to dinner."

"Oh did they?"

"Yeah and I was wondering if maybe you could work out what's going on?"

"You don't like any of them?"

"They're my friends. Bruce, what's…" Clint stood stunned as Bruce pushed him up against the wall. "Er, Bruce?"

"You know Agent Barton, you're a very attractive man."

"Listen, Doctor Banner, I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't think you're in your right mind at the moment, so I think I should just leave until you're back to normal."

"Don't leave. I want you to stay."

"I have a pizza in the oven, I need to go and make sure that the kitchen isn't on fire."

"The smoke detectors aren't going off. It's not."

"Right. But it might catch fire, so why don't I go and take the pizza out the oven and then I'll bring it down here?"

"I didn't know you cooked Agent Barton."

"Oh, well-"

"I like a man who can cook."

"It was just taking it out the box and putting it in the oven, it hardly counts and now I can defiantly smell burning."

"Really? I don't smell anything."

"I have exceptionally good sense of smell. I'll come back with pizza."

"I'll be waiting."

Clint left in a hurry. Oh, what to do, what to do. Everyone had gone insane. The roof. The roof had to be clear.

Sadly, the stairs weren't.

"Barnes. You took Steve up on his offer to come and live here then."

"How could I refuse when you're here?"

"Another one?"

"You know Barton," Bucky said, walking his fingers up Clint's chest, "I'm really looking forward to getting to know you better."

"Oh, me too, but not right now, there's a leak in the roof, I'm just going to help Tony fix it."

"Proving you're good with your hands."

"Er, yeah. Tell you what, I'm free Saturday, what say you and I go to the range and see which of us is the better sniper?"

"I was thinking something a little more… intimate."

"Why don't we take things slow? You might not even like me, I've been told I'm a very annoying person."

"I don't believe that for a second."

"Oh no, it's true. Very annoying. Tony Stark has told me I'm annoying and when he says stuff like that, you know it's serious."

"Saturday then. And maybe once you've shown me just how good you are with that aim, we can see if you'll revaluate my offer."

"Er, sure, but not until Saturday. I'll be on the roof if anything catches fire."

"Oh, I'll take good care of everything."

"Brilliant. Must dash, before the whole tower floods."

Clint ran up the stairs and found an empty roof. He breathed a sigh of relief until Thor crashed down with Loki.

"Damn."

"Where are the other Avengers?" Thor asked him. "I sent out the call for assistance and only Iron Man arrived."

"Yeah, sorry, there's something wrong with them. Like, really wrong."

"Enjoying yourself Agent Barton?" Loki called from where he was laying under Mjonir.

"What did you do?"

"A little trick after you insulted me."

"Insulted you? Wait. This is because I called you Snape, wasn't it?"

"Indeed."

"That was months ago! And he was a good guy in the end. Kind of."

"Loki, what have you done?"

"A simple spell."

"What spell?"

"It's like a love potion," Clint said. "Everyone is flirting with me. Badly. And fighting over me."

"Magic cannot induce love Agent Barton, it is simply an infatuation charm. I thought it said that in those books of yours. You are all they can think about."

"I just wanted to spend this evening going to meet Kate and maybe meeting pizza." Clint paused, considering what Loki had just said. "Wait. You've read Harry Potter?"

"No."

"You have. Anyway, can you get rid of this charm thing?"

"You cannot simply get rid of it. It will last until sundown. And I'm not done yet." He muttered something in a language Clint didn't recognise and a green glow encompassed Thor. He called Mjonir to him, expecting danger, but the green glow shifted back and hit Loki in the face, knocking him back to the floor.

"Er, I'm assuming that wasn't supposed to happen," Clint said, looking at Loki.

"No. My brother forgets I am immune to charms such as this."

"Why?"

"Jane."

"Oh. So I guess that means Tony's safe to talk to too, since he has Pepper?"

"I assume so, although I believe his charms may work differently on Midgardians."

"Or maybe you just need to be thinking about the other person. So what did happen?"

"I cannot say."

"Urgh," Loki groaned, sitting up. "What- Oh. Agent Barton. I didn't know you were here."

"Yeah, you did."

"I'm really glad you are though."

"And I'm leaving. Thor, please stop your brother following me. I don't know, fly him back to Asgard or something. No, better idea. Fly me to Asgard until that lot are back to normal."

"Don't go Agent Barton."

"You're a supervillain. I hang around with superheroes and give them a hand sometimes."

"For you, I'd turn good any day."

"Really. Thor please. Drop him off somewhere and then come and save me."

"I will return Clint. Heimdall!"

The blue light of the Bifrost shot down and Thor and Loki vanished. Clint breathed a sigh of relief, that was one less person to deal with and there were only a few more hours left. He could quite easily just stay up here and hope for the best.

Clint sat down. Oh pizza. He really could do with some pizza.

The Iron Man suit landed on the roof. Tony lifted the visor and looked at Clint, who smiled sheepishly.

"Is there a reason that Phil Coulson and Natasha Romanoff are fighting in my kitchen?"

"Yes."

"And Sam Wilson and Steve Rogers are arguing about who would plan the more perfect date?"

"I vote the go together and leave me behind."

"And why Bucky Barnes is sitting on the sofa looking at your bow?"

"He's what?"

"And why Bruce Banner is standing in the kitchen, humming a song?"

"Yeah."

"And Thor is where?"

"On Asgard taking Loki back before he joined in with the rest of them and made it worse."

"What did you do?"

"Loki put a spell on them and now everyone keeps trying to flirt with me and ask me on dates. And he tried to do the same to Thor, but it backfired because he has Jane, which is also why you aren't acting all weird because you have Pepper."

"I see. What did you do?"

"I may have called Loki Snape last time he tried something and he took offense apparently. I just wanted a quiet evening." A very large crash came from downstairs. "And that'll be Bruce hulking out because I said I would be back with pizza, but I haven't actually made any."

"How long is this going to last?"

"Until sunset."

"An hour then."

"I'm supposed to be meeting Kate in half an hour. If I leave the tower, are they all going to follow me?"

"Probably. I'll bring her here, maybe we can sort this out."

"Have you met Kate Bishop?"

"Yes."

"So you know how perfect she is."

"Yes."

"Do not try anything. And bring pizza. Lots of pizza. I really need pizza."

"I'll get pizza if you get downstairs and stop the Hulk destroying my tower."

"Deal."

Clint went back down as Tony flew off, getting the lift this time. He walked into the living room onto a scene he never though he would see.

Natasha and Phil were in a pile on top of each other, Natasha probably winning. Clint was glad they seemed to have forgotten the weapons they always carried. Sam was wearing his wings and seemed to be dive bombing the Hulk as he swatted at him and Steve and Bucky were fighting. Everyone froze as Clint walked in.

"Clint!"

"Over here Clint!"

Everyone was yelling at once and he groaned.

"Er, yes, hello everyone." Thor walked into the room and smiled. Clint glared at him. "Er, thing is, Loki put a spell on the lot of you so, according to the Avengers Rules number five hundred and nine you all have to retire to your rooms alone and stay there until you are normal."

"We have a rule five hundred and nine?" Steve asked.

"We have rules?" Sam asked. "Did I miss out on this?"

"I'm not an Avenger," Phil said. "I don't have a room."

"There's a spare room somewhere you can borrow."

"And where will you be?" Bucky asked.

"I will be in my room."

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather be in mine?" Natasha asked.

"Again, rule five hundred and nine, your own room."

"When have you ever paid attention to rules?" Phil asked. "Let alone remembered more than one. They say opposites attract. Maybe that's why we get on so well."

"Er, yes, I only remember one rule. It just so happens that that only rule was rule number five hundred and nine. As opposed to rule number one which would have made sense, but I think that one was something like, don't touch Tony's stuff or something and I ignored it because it was boring. But let's get you all to your rooms. Follow me."

Clint dropped everyone off, declining any offers for goodnight kisses and finally collapsing into a chair.

"Oh, stop laughing."

"I am not laughing," Thor said, sitting down.

"Yes you are."

"Perhaps a little."

"Clint?"

"Natasha, I thought you had gone to sit in your room?"

"But you're not coming to sit with me?"

"No, because I think you might kill me."

"Just to talk Clint."

"Er, tell you what, you sit in your room while I cook and we'll talk at dinner with everyone else, yeah?"

"I'd rather talk with you alone." She batted her eyelashes.

"We're not alone. Thor's here."

"Then we'll go somewhere else."

"Thor was actually about to give me some advice, which you can't hear, because, you know, I'm new to this who thing, but he's had experience with Jane. But really, I think this isn't for your ears Nat."

"Well, I'll see you later then."

"Er, yeah, later." She left and Clint sat back, sighing. "Thank goodness it's almost over."

"You know, I left my brother talking about the perfect colour of your eyes."

"Let's agree never to talk about that to anyone ever again."

"Sif is occupying him."

"I do not want to know what he says."

Tony reappeared about half an hour later with Kate Bishop and Lucky. The dog immediately jumped up at Clint, wagging his tail.

"Hi Hawkeye."

"Hi Hawkeye. Brought your dog."

"I know. You're a good boy, aren't you Lucky? Aren't you a good boy?"

"You spoil that dog."

"He deserves it."

"So what did you do?"

"Insulted Loki. He takes more offense to being called Snape than being shot with an explosive arrow, there's something wrong with that dude."

"Well, you've only got twenty five minutes left. Pepper's bringing the pizza on her way back from Stark Industries. So that'll be here in about half an hour, she sent a message to say the order's just cooking."

"Hear that Lucky? Pizza tonight for my lovely Pizza Dog. Hey Tony, you know you want to let me keep Lucky here. Kate can stay too. There enough room in my floor, it's not like you'd be giving up space. Besides, she's got a home, she just spends more time at mine."

"Oh, why not. Better than you bringing girls back. Or boys. Or the entire Avengers team and Loki apparently."

"Oh, shut up. Trust me, after today, I'm giving up people and just living with dogs. And Kate. But she doesn't count."

"Why don't I count?"

"Clint, it's been ages, I thought you said you'd be back in a minute? Who's she?"

"Oh, hi Steve. Steve Rogers, Kate Bishop. She's Hawkeye too."

"Oh really. And why's that?"

"Clint, where did you… What's he doing here?"

"Oh, Bruce, excellent, you de-hulked. I was just introducing Steve to Kate." Clint looked between the two of them. Both looked murderous. "Oh, you're both the jealous types, at least when under a Loki spell. And run!"

They chased after him, Natasha choosing that moment to enter. Honestly, Clint was surprised Bruce hadn't turned into the Hulk again, but he couldn't say he wasn't relieved. But Captain America and Black Widow were also chasing him, which probably wasn't good, even without Bruce's help he was still a goner.

"Er, Tony, a little help! Thor? Kate? Lucky?" Lucky barked in response.

"He's right," Kate said. "Stark, you got recording in this place?"

"I do now. And you know what would make this even better? Jarvis, record this for me and tell the others upstairs Clint's down here being chased by Cap, Natasha and Bruce."

"No, Tony, why would you do that?"

"Certainty sir."

"Jarvis, don't help him! Thor!"

"I must agree, it is a rather amusing situation. And it will be sundown shortly, it will not last longer."

Phil was the first in, closely followed by Bucky and Sam. Clint retreated to the top of the bookshelves.

"Help me please!" Lucky barked and sat down. "And for that, I'm not sharing my pizza with you." Clint toppled off the bookshelf, landing on the floor. "Ow." The others pounced on him. "More ows. Like, six more ows."

The green glow encompassed them all again.

"Urgh, what happened?" Steve asked, sitting up, rubbing his head. "Sam? Why are you on top of me?"

"I don't know why either of you are on top of each other, but could you please get off me? Captain, I admire you and everything, but this is rather painful."

"Says you Phil, I've got Barnes and Banner, and can I just thank you so much for not being in Hulk form Doctor?"

"I think I was earlier. I don't seem to be wearing the same clothes I put on this morning."

"I chose the wrong moment to walk in," Pepper said. "What on Earth happened?"

"I'll tell you when I can breathe," Clint called from the bottom of the pile. "We may need extra pizza."

"Tony ordered about thirty. I assumed that was because Thor and he were hungry from fighting Loki."

"Loki was here? Why didn't you tell us?"

"We tried Cap, you were otherwise occupied."

"Please get off me, I think I've broken all of my ribs."

"Stop being a baby, you fall off roofs on a daily basis," Natasha said as the Avengers untangled themselves.

"Buck, you all right?" Steve asked, looking with concern at his friend.

"Agent Barton, was I flirting with you?"

"After today, you can call me Clint. I want to go to bed. But I want pizza. This is a very hard decision." Lucky barked and trotted over to push himself against Clint's legs. "I can't tell if you're sorry and are trying to be helpful to make up for the fact you left me to die or if you just really want pizza."

"Why would you be dying?" Natasha asked.

"It's a long story."

"I recorded the entire event Agent Barton, anticipating sir would ask me to, would playing that help?"

"Tony Stark, I love your AI. Oh, Clint, you're in trouble," Kate laughed. "Lucky, you can share my pizza."

"Clint, what happened and why do I feel like I've been fighting Natasha?"

"Because you have."

"Why?"

"Er. Loki put a charm on everyone so they would become infatuated with me and you were all fighting over me, and it may have backfired off Thor and hit him as well, because it didn't work on Thor or Tony because they have Jane and Pepper," he blurted out.

Everyone looked at him.

"See how much you mean Pep? You stopped Loki's magic for me."

"I think that's the most romantic thing you've ever done Tony."

"I blew up all my suits for you."

"And then you made more."

"Yeah. The world needs Iron Man. For when this lot are all off trying to chat up the idiot who called Loki Snape."

"Yep, I'm going to bed. I'll just bring pizza with me."

"Oh no you're not Legolas. We're all sitting down with pizza in front of the telly and watching these recordings. Jarvis, I love you. Not as much as Pepper, but still pretty close."

"I am aware sir."

"Only you would build a snarky AI," Bruce said. "Fine, we'll watch it, but I'm going to need extra pizza, I'm starving and I think I have a craving."

"Yeah, there might be a reason for that."

"So what did we learn today Agent Barton?" Tony asked.

"Loki has read Harry Potter."

"No. Well, yes, but that was not the main lesson of today."

"Loki doesn't like being called Harry Potter names."

"So what are you never going to do again?"

"Call Loki Harry Potter names." They all sat down and Jarvis started the video. "I wonder how he feels about Gandalf?"

"No."


End file.
